'Pop' Goes the Music

It doesn't count as melodious sound. It counts as din. Horrific cacophony littered with words. I am of course, talking about pop music.

R&B, Hip hop, 'Soul'; yep, all pop music in my book. Navigating the mind-numbing expanse of VH1 is rather eye-opening. Or ear-splitting. Take your pick. Call me conservative, but I find no real need going in search of new genre's since I have my beloved house/trance and selected rock to keep me company. Flipping through channels though, one can't help but be sucked into the sheer IQ-depleting experience that is your average pop music video. I remember when words in songs made sense and conveyed meaning. Look at me, still living in the 90's. Pssht. Allow me to guide through, what I consider, modern master-pieces.

1. "Under my um-ber-ella. Ella. Ella. Ay. Ay. Ay."

Wow. How did the Jamaican's manage to mess music up this bad? Stick to drugs and cult voodoo religion (ie. Bob Marleyism)

My initial thoughts were: the marketing guys must have paid her a hell of a lot to endorse their umbrella. Maybe they were from Ireland; you never know. To my horror, I found that she wrote the words of that song herself! What was she thinking? What was the inspiration behind that song? If this is what a so-called diva is minting off, well, I am going to give it a crack:

"Under my rai-ain-coat. Oat. Oat. Tee. Tee. Tee."

Come on Universal, reach out and help us struggling musicians.

2. It seems someone has finally given Will.I.Am the 'birds and the bees' talk. Congratulations to him for figuring out that babies do not come from storks with beaks of steel, but from, shockingly enough, their parents! A revelation!

"Baby where’d you get your body from? Tell me where’d you get your body from. I got it from my mama. I got it from my mama"

What did you think Will.I.ThinkI.Am? She got it from her daddy? Imagine if she committed the cardinal sin of going to the gym! Can you even fathom the terror on her mother's face when she orders it off eBay? I know genetics can get confusing but give me a break.

A few things strike me about this song. First of, it is a clear case of mistrust in the opposite sex's intellect and understanding of basic English. He asks the same question to the ladies (whom he incidentally addresses three times prior to the actual verse and still feels the needs to let know that he is now ready to go) 4 times. They may not know how to drive, but dude; four times is an insult to their intelligence. The ladies return the favour by responding no less than 4 times. Then of course, there is the blatant disregard for the poor 24-year-old model's feeling when he turns his attention to her mum. Newsflash, Will.I.Am.Sure.I.Am, marriage is one of the lousy side-effects of sex. Get used to it.

Last but not least: black guys should have names like Durrel and Phazzelle and Sharquan. Not William. William is a gay, white name. This is a black Michael Jackson, if you ask me. All he needs now is for Mike Tyson to miss and bite his nose off. White name, retarded fashion sense and no nose. Done.

3. The word is delicious. It is used to describe food. Fusing it with your name does not make you like good food. This addition of a name and a word to form gibberish should not inspire a song about how plastic surgery has affected your appearance. However if this does occur, you are a retard and should call 9886793649 immediately for counselling and/or sex.

Now, I am someone who likes to learn new things. The thing is, by the time Fergie tried to teach me to spell, I had pressed mute. Sorry, sing it to 6-year-olds. And get your spellings right for god's sake.

"Fergalicious definition make them boys go loco. They want my treasure so they get their pleasures from my photo."

Hmm. Quite. Let's, as MC Hammer says, break things down.

The definition of Fergalicious is as follows:
i) To act or appear to be like Alex Ferguson
ii) A word made up by half-plastic, half-Mexican singer. She thinks it means she's yummy; good looking food to satisfy one's sexual appetite. We know it means she's too lazy to look up real words that actually mean something.

Now, if 'they' (and I can only assume she means random men that she has tempted) wanted her treasures, why would they be masturbating? Wouldn't they simply get off their random asses and rape the illiterate woman? Also, she is not a pirate and therefore has no treasure, so to speak.

Let me now make up my own word to describe the last part of the song: Hilarubbish! No prizes for guessing which two words fornicated to produce that.

Will.I.Am makes a notable contribution to the "song" too. I think he was trying to convey a message of, "Hey, I kan spel two!"

"T to the A, to the S T E Y - girl, you're tasty, T to the A to the S T E Y - girl, you're tasty
D to the E, to the L I C I O U S, to the D, to the E, to the, to the, to the, hit it Fergie"

There's poetic license, and then there's this. Even if you ARE American (and frown at 'humour' but understand 'humor', or ignore 'honour' but maintain 'honor'), this makes so sense.

"Tastey", like Fergalicious, is not a word. Maybe to drunk Scottish people it is, but not to humans who speak English. Go back to school. It's just past the plastic surgeon's who you visit every Tuesday.

I love how William 'White boy' Adams (his middle name is James if you weren't already convinced) manages to spell a world correctly, but then falters whilst trying to respell the same word 4 seconds later. On realising that he has the IQ of a paper clip, he simply hands the mike to Fergie. Way to go, tough guy.



I could go on and on. Really. Panic! At! The! Math! Class! Where! They! Teach! Factorial! is next.

Be afraid.