I was on Facebook yesterday (aka. Life Consuming Internet Tool), and I realised how many different names there are floating around. I should be awarded a place in MENSA for making that earth-shaking discovery, I know. It struck me how different countries have either cool or gay names.
Let us begin with the 'maaaaather' of all countries; a nation so fierce, it's hypocritical political ideals almost caused a nuclear war (but then with America, that's not too hard these days). Yes, I'm talking about a country whose original flag consisted of a red wolf holding a hammer and/or sickle, drinking Smirnoff: RUSSIA. You just don't mess with Russian men's names (remember, they are holding your aunt at gun-point as we speak). I mean, when I hear a guy at the airport saying, "My name is VLADMIR KROSVIC, brrring me kaaaastomer saaarvice", I shiver travels down my spine. VLADMIR. WOW. He didn't get bullied in school did he. I can imagine this blond, assassin, age 9, stride into the dining hall at Vodkavic Elementary: hair gelled back; Armani suit, black against pale faces of his peers; two large, bald men named Dimitry and Wasily (coincidently, awesome names too) loping menacingly behind him carrying large guns and threatening expressions; the only sound, that of his steel-toed shoes clicking against the floor. The red-sea of children parts as he makes his way towards his table (or private, student interrogation area). He sits down, takes out a cigar, strokes his white cat and says to the petrified boy about to faint sitting opposite him, "So Mr. Bond, we meet at last". Oh yeah. This guy owned.
A few thousand miles away lies a country that sucks at wars, movies, music and seemingly, in giving half-decent names to boys. France is the archetypal 'hated-by-all' national just because its people have little mannerisms that are picked up on by the Brits, and escalated into a worldwide, inter-cultural satire-fest. Trust the Brits. Anyways, after the enormous satisfaction one gets in saying: VLADMIR, what chance does "Pierre" stand? Or "Guilliaume" for that matter. "Jean-Claude"?? You may as well shoot yourself now and save the KGB the trouble. French guy names are gay. It's a sad fact that over 98% of French men have names that are either feminine and/or uncool. How does, "Good morning Washington, this is Vladmir" sound, compared to, "Jean-Luc, reporting for duty, sir"? It sounds like David (pronounced Daveed) vs Goliathski, only this David is weak and French so therefore, thinks that using a sling is too uncivilised/British for us sophisticated Parisians to follow. David is subsequently sniped by Goliathski. That was that.
We move from the manly to the queer, to just plain strange. America has two kinds of man-names. Black man-names and white man-names. Black man-names are either Muslim (Jamal = gangster) or strangely WASP (James = total tight-ass loser). White man-names......this is where the fun starts. Tell me, what would tempt you to name your son, Chase? Did your husband 'Chase' the pool-guy out of your bed? Or was your son conceived in a bank bathroom? I don't know. You thought Chase was weird, try 'Tucker'. I wonder what names he got called at school. I really do. And Cody? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Cody....sounds like a adjective: God, this logarithm is so Cody! Make the equation a little more Cody, why don't you? And last but not least, Preston. Come on America, get creative: since when do Division 2 English football teams count? What next? Grimsby? Oh, I know, I'll name my son: Sheffield. No they got relegated didn't they? What about Scunthorpe? Oh yeah. Scunthorpe takes the cake. This is my son, Scunthorpe Jones. Like he's ever going to get laid...
And last but not least, no rant is complete without a little poke at myself. Or rather, my country. Indian men's names can be short as Pal or as bewildering as Jianari-Commisariat. One name that always tickles me is Digvijay. Erm...wasn't regular Vijay good enough? Why did we have to have a dig at him (mind the pun)? I think maybe somewhere along the line (I'm guessing the 60's because they were psychedelic) some Bihari went abroad and heard some 'foreigner' say, "Yeah man, I DIG that". He came back to India, a messiah most enlightened, and in his infinite wisdom proclaimed: Dig = good! He held his son up like in the Lion King (it's Bihar so why not?) and exclaimed: Ye Vijay nahin hai, ye Digvijay hai! And so it was born; the phenomenon that took Bihar by storm (till 1973). Anyways, I know a guy called Jaymini! HA! I know! Great isn't it? What were his parents thinking.....Imagine when they have to give him a pep-talk....Jaymini! Take it to the max! "But mum, my name clearly forbids me to". Oh, whoops, son, my bad.
God that was pointless.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
lmfao
nice one
That last sentence summed up the post nicely, as ineffectual and vacuous as you can get eh Shravan?
Dont remember how i got here :)
Must say, I enjoyed reading this. although a flashback happens to certain embarassing college incident where i was sitting in my canteen, poking fun at (seemingly) hideous names. i had a Pinkesh in my class (nice guy and all that though, so no offence was meant).
Anyway, so here i was saying somethign like "why would anyone name their kid Pinky or sweety as in their real names and not pet name" and this one guy from my class says "dont say this yaar, my sisters name is Pinky". Needless to say i mumbled some incoherent excuse like " i was just talking generally etc". foot in mouth and HOW.
btw, i also came across a Gajanan Gonduse somewhere. in case he ever reads this by doing a google search ot somethign, NO OFFENCE!
Also, my basketball coach's name was Placcid. i am not kidding.
LMAO! Love your posts. Wish I had enough time to go through all of em at leisure. Will do that sometime soon, though. Keep blogging!
Post a Comment